An Indian Mommy is facing a dilemma. This is how she explains it:
"A friend of mine keeps calling my kids over for a play date with her kids.They're all the same age. For some reason, my children don't want to go to her house. They haven't said why, but they are most reluctant. I suspect it's because the parents yell at their children a lot, and that scares my kids.I don't know how to say no to this woman. I usually don't reciprocate by calling her kids over, but she doesn't seem to get the hint. In fact, she'll call and invite her kids over. I have run out of excuses now. I can't tell her what the problem is to her face - Indians simply don't do that."
She also adds that her kids have no problem if her friends children come to their place. They just don't want to go to her friends house.
Any suggestions?
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17 comments:
I am no good at confrontations. So personally I would just keep saying "Im busy, may be later" until she gets the hint. If she gets a hint, that is! But I would definitely listen to my children. If they say no to a play date, there should be a good reason.
I think you have a problem more than the kids. But nevertheless I would talk with the kids and ask why exactly they dont wanna go. That might throw some light on this situation
Boo, I dont agree with the - if children dont wanna go, there shud be a reason. Most of the time, theres no reason at all.
real problem or not, I would invite those kids over so at least the little ones aren't caught in this mind game. till it is sorted out, I would keep this arrangement and come up with some excuses for not being able to send my kids over. "can't drive them over today", "take rest today - I'll be the host" and other excuses! (an excercise for creativity!) but I would dig thru - either by asking my kids or subtly quizzing the other mom and find the real cause - not just come to a conclusion with what I suspect.
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I personally think you should listen to your children. If they don't wanna go on a "play date", there should be a reason so you shouldn't force. Try telling the lady the kids don't seem to be in a mood or so.
I would call them over and make excuses not to send them over. Meanwhile I would ask the kids why they don't want to go..
But sometimes kids can be funny that way, and there might not be a major reason to not go, still there's no need to push them. Ultimately, that lady would get the hint and stop inviting them..
Confrontation is a No-No. I mean, what's the lady done so that I could confront?
its so simple. if your kids dont like going to her place. just politely tell her that they are not in a mood to go and so you cant send them over. having said that, it wouldnt be such a bad idea for you to invite her kids over to your place. observe how your kids interact with them and if all is well between the kids you really have nothing to worry about!
Chitra - I better be safe than sorry. If my children are uncomfortable doing something or going somewhere, I would nt push them. But lets focus on the problem here.
Ks mom - But she cant be always inviting them over right? The other friend will want to do it in her house as well and the circle will continue.
Bea - Thanks for the link. will check it out.
Sunita - It ll only work once or twice right? I guess the long term solution is to tell the friend. But its not an easy thing.
Poppins - Lets hope she gets the hint some day!
Harpreet - Shes already doing that, having play dates at her place and alls well. But the friend would want to take turns and invite them right? Thats the tricky part.
I guess theres no nice way to do this. Lets hope the friend gets the hint sooner than later. Good luck! Sorry we could nt come up with a fool proof plan.
I know it won't be easy but I would tell her - rather be blunt than let your kids be subject to stuff that they find unpleasant. Play dates are supposed to be fun so if they don't have fun at this lady's place, why make them go?
I agree with Rohini. It's better to tell the friend upfront. The children need to understand that their mother is paying attention to them and will listen (sets a precedent - the children will continue to feel comfortable telling the mother stuff; not listening to them might encourage them not to be open with their mother). The friend can be told she's welcome to drop her kids off at this lady's house, when it's convenient.
if your kids dont want to go to her place but dont mind playing with the children, inviting them to ur place wud be a better option, won't it? that way, ur children wont be scared....
I guess I am too assertive for my own good. I just stop being too nice to people my children don't like. Family first!
And what kind of people scream in front of their children!?!
Agree with Rohini and Sujatha! They said it all - no need for me to add anything :)
I would make up an excuse and I would really try to find out why the kids don't like it. You have no idea really what puts them off. Maybe it's no big thing... maybe it is. Either way, you need to know.
am i the only one who feels that maybe the kids are being molested? I could be wrong.. but I always trust children. if they dont want to go somewhere, there has got to be a good reason. i know i found it hard to tell my parents that i was flashed by this middle aged neighbour every time i went to play with his nephews. he would keep opening up his lungi and retying it. it was too subtly done for me as a child to complain about.
and finally, as Rohini says, even if its nothing so terrible as the parents screaming, or kids being molested... why send them if they are not having fun?! its so simple. though yes, i am terrible with being frank and would be fumbling for excuses. perhaps they dont have nice toys like her kids or something??! you never know with kids....
i agree with madmomma. the kids might be exposed to some kind of situation unknown to mom. i remember not wanting to go to my parent's friend's house because the man was molesting me but my parents just ignored me. avoid that household at all costs!
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